


don't be shy

by inkquell



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempt at Humor, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Vaguely American Setting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-04-14 03:55:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14127528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkquell/pseuds/inkquell
Summary: The first time, it was an accident. The second, third, and fourth time, maybe not so much.Changkyun had a problem. As long as his college roommate Jooheon was around, it wouldn’t go away.





	1. water pressure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just something silly and fun i wrote to reintroduce myself to writing kpop rpf
> 
> new chapters will follow
> 
> enjoy!

Changkyun didn’t expect to greet the morning like this.

He woke up with his face plastered against his $130 biology textbook in his own drool. There were flaming hot Cheetos crumbs stuck to his t-shirt and study notes crumpled between his body and his mattress. As a harrowing reminder of his oh-so-late night procrastination, Netflix was opened on his laptop at the end of his bed. An error message popped up to question the validity of his consciousness.

“Are you _sure _ you’re still watching One Punch Man?”

_ Are you really, really, really sure? _

Changkyun slammed his laptop shut before a streaming service, of all things, could judge him any further. His roommate was already awake, puttering around from the bathroom to his room and back. A recognizable, but overplayed, trap song vibrated through the entire apartment. The wall between their rooms did little to mute the sound. Changkyun rolled over onto his stomach and pressed his face into the nearest pillow, folding it over his ears. A headache pounded inside his skull and a bad case of morning wood strained against the front of his sweatpants.

“Oh, you’re awake.”

Changkyun lifted his head, then immediately regretted it. Jooheon leaned against the doorway dressed only in too-short boxer shorts and a towel thrown over one shoulder. His hair was damp, collarbone flushed pink and freckled with water. The frame of the door just barely preserved his dignity, partially concealing his bare chest and down the center of his body.

Changkyun didn’t know Jooheon well. During his first year of college, he saw him once or twice at the library or the coffee shop on campus, but never said a word to him. In a way, Jooheon seemed too intimidating for someone like Changkyun, his stare too deliberate. Jooheon was a friend of Changkyun’s friends, namely Hoseok and Kihyun. They were in the same program and sat beside Jooheon during shared lectures. Despite any unfamiliarity, when Kihyun said Jooheon was looking for a roommate Changkyun jumped at the chance. Cheap rent, close to campus, low responsibility, what was there to complain about?

Well, Jooheon.

Jooheon. Jooheon. Jooheon.

Jooheon was a third-year music major. He was friendly enough towards Changkyun. He upheld most of his responsibilities concerning the apartment, but sometimes he forgot to wear headphones while fiddling with music software, forcing Changkyun to listen to the same sample over and over again. He sang off-pitch and cranked his music too loud. It was  only tolerable because they had the same taste. Occasionally, Jooheon showered with the bathroom door ajar, and when Changkyun came home from his night class, he'd jump at any creak in the floorboards after 10 PM. But Jooheon washed his dishes and never forgot his keys. Changkyun couldn’t ask for much more.

Jooheon kept to himself. Mostly.

And that was Changkyun’s problem.

Jooheon, all smooth, plush skin and thick thighs. His bleached dirty blond hair looked good even when his black roots split his scalp down the middle. Changkyun liked the way his eyes crinkled into crescents whenever he smiled. His laugh was high-pitched but somehow endearing. He liked how Jooheon left enough coffee in the pot for him just before rushing off to class. He liked hearing snippets of Jooheon’s music through the bedroom walls, but he would never outwardly admit the beats were any good, despite stalking Jooheon’s SoundCloud on multiple occasions. Changkyun noticed these small, maybe insignificant, things about Jooheon. Maybe he wasn’t the only one, but he noticed how soft Jooheon’s lips looked when they were caught between his teeth in thought, how at home Jooheon looked in a pair of sweatpants and a name brand hoodie, drunk and sleepy on a Friday night.

And now, in the doorway, drops of water ran down Jooheon’s throat. Changkyun could vaguely see the outline of Jooheon’s cock in his underwear.

Stop.

He was getting ahead of himself.

“I thought you might really be dead,” Jooheon said and pulled a loose t-shirt over his head. Changkyun pressed his face back into the pillow, happy to shield his eyes—and his thoughts—in any way possible. His hips moved slightly and the friction of his dick rubbing against his boxers was both too much to handle and too little. He wanted to groan.

“Not yet,” Changkyun said, exasperated, “but I might be very, very soon.” His voice was muffled by the pillow. “What time is it?”

“Around 10:30 last time I checked.”

“AM?”

“AM,” Jooheon reaffirmed. “You didn’t sleep through your midterm if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Somehow Changkyun was disappointed. He hadn’t failed yet, but images of the stone-cold looks his parents would give him when he came home for Christmas already filled his head. A fresh serving of death stares over hot bowls of rice and bulgogi.

“By the way,” Jooheon said, “utilities are due this week so—”

“Yeah, no worries,” Changkyun interrupted. His head was aching and so was his erection. Jooheon definitely wasn’t helping on either end. “I got it.”

“Alright, thanks.” Jooheon threw him a cheesy thumbs up and retreated to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

Changkyun breathed a sigh of relief. He gathered his notes and textbooks into a pile, then shoved them into his backpack on the floor. He had a midterm this afternoon that he barely studied for and another two later that week. Changkyun felt the overwhelming stress ooze out of his ears.

But it was nothing a quick jerk-off couldn’t fix.

Changkyun shut himself in the bathroom, fiddling with the lock until it clicked in place. Cheap student living, emphasis on the cheap. The doors didn’t lock properly half of the time and Changkyun often wondered how the ceiling didn’t cave in when their upstairs neighbors threw multiple parties a week. What were they doing? Jumping rope? With paper-thin walls and a roommate who occasionally forgot about personal space, it was too risky for Changkyun to jerk off in his bedroom, so the shower, lack of hot water and all, would have to do.

It took over a minute for the water to heat up. Changkyun clumsily shed his clothes then stepped into the shower. The water pressure was shit, but at that point even a pathetic dribble felt like oceanic spray against his back.

Changkyun caught his bottom lip between his teeth as he smoothed his fingers over his dick, water running off the ends of his hair and down his chest. He wanted to take his time, use that overactive imagination his parents and teachers loved to complain about when he was a kid, but there wasn’t enough hot water left.

And his midterm was in an hour.

Changkyun bit back a moan as he dragged his thumb over the head of his dick, spreading pre-come and water along with it. It would be easier if he wasn’t hunched underneath the shower head, water dripping into his eyes, but if this was his only chance to un-blue ball himself so be it. He fisted his dick fast and rough, leaning against the wall of the shower with a forearm above his head and his other hand moving purposefully between his legs. Heat spread throughout the pit of his stomach and he was so, _so_ close, when three, sharp pounds knocked against the bathroom door, almost bending it on its hinges. The lock rattled.

His fist immediately stilled around his dick. Changkyun suppressed a groan—born out of annoyance more than anything else—and let his forehead fall forward to hit the cool shower tiles.

“Hey, Changkyun?” Jooheon shouted from the other side of the door. Who else but the absolute last person Changkyun wanted to deal with?

“What do you want?” Changkyun said. He tried his best not to sound so flustered. His voice was uneven, almost out of breath.

“Sorry, I forgot to brush my teeth and I have a class in fifteen minutes. How long are you going to be in there?” Jooheon asked, nearly whining.

The desperation in Jooheon’s voice went straight to Changkyun’s cock. For the first time, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Jooheon. He let his imagination overcome him.

Jooheon pressed underneath him, his cock strained against his stomach, the tip pink and flushed. Changkyun tasted sweat against Jooheon’s neck as he spread him open with his fingers. Jooheon whined. God, did he ever whine. Jooheon’s blunt nails dug into Changkyun’s arms as he sunk into him. So easy.

“Fuck,” Changkyun groaned underneath his breath. The water was enough to mask the sound.

The pressure inside his cock was too much to bear. He ran his hand across the head again and down his shaft, back and forth, back and forth. He no longer had any control over himself. Jooheon’s name almost, almost, parted his lips as Changkyun gritted his teeth and came against the shower tiles.

Then Jooheon’s voice again. “Changkyun?”

Jesus fucking Christ.

Changkyun frantically cleaned himself up, letting the water wash his cum down the drain. “I can get out now if you want.”

Silence.

“Uh, never mind,” Jooheon said. A quality in his voice changed. Embarrassment? He stumbled over his words. “That’s fine. Sorry for, um, interrupting.”

Changkyun’s ears reddened.

Oh, god.

He knew.

But how could he know? That wasn’t possible. Was it?

Changkyun’s entire body flushed.

He totally knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think!
> 
> happy hump day
> 
> follow me on twitter @ jooheonpeach


	2. a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of jesus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy belated easter!

Changkyun stumbled his way through his biology midterm. Three hours slowly grated by. Changkyun attempted to focus on the questions inked across his paper, but thoughts of the situation back at the apartment followed every word.

Facultative anaerobe? Jooheon knew.

Abiotic component? Jooheon knew Changkyun was jerking off.

Vegetative reproduction? Jooheon knew Changkyun was jerking off _to the thought of him_.

Somehow Changkyun survived. He doubted he would survive another day in the apartment with Jooheon however, lest he die of embarrassment or lack of will. Changkyun put off going home as late as possible. He texted his ‘Study Buddies’ group chat and asked if anyone wanted to meet up at the library after he completed his midterm. The last thing Changkyun wanted to do was study, but luckily Hyungwon, Kihyun, and Hoseok rarely wanted to study either.

The library was understandably packed throughout midterm season. An indistinguishable hum of student chatter filled the space between the bookshelves. Pages turned, pencils scribbled, students tore their hair out, and complaints about how the printers failed to work properly populated the silence. Changkyun found their usual study table centred in the middle of the classic literature section. He spotted Kihyun, Hyungwon, and Hoseok already sitting there. Hyungwon typed away on his laptop, headphones on, oblivious to Hoseok and Kihyun while they exchanged notes and quizzed each other. The whole table shook when Changkyun slammed his textbook filled backpack onto the tabletop, a stack of notes spilling out in the process. Changkyun plopped down into a plastic chair beside Hyungwon. It creaked underneath his weight.

“Good news, everyone,” Changkyun said. He had the urge to throw his arms up theatrically. “I probably failed my midterm.”

Jazz hands.

Hyungwon removed one side of his headphones from his ear while Hoseok stared at him from across the table in bemused disbelief. A bespectacled Kihyun looked up from his musical theory textbook. “What’s the bad news?” An eyebrow peaked out above the rim of his glasses.

Changkyun instantly crumpled under Kihyun’s stare, regretting he opened his mouth at all. In the heat of the moment, he wanted to vent to anyone who would listen so at least he wasn’t alone in his embarrassment. He needed to scream a little, or a lot, maybe hit his head against a hard surface a few times. Changkyun failed to consider, however, that discussing the incident outside the confines of his brain solidified it in the real world. Instead of existing solely as an embarrassing moment he might wince at for years to come, it would transform into an embarrassing moment his friends could bring up at any time just to torture him. Unfortunately, it was too late to back out. Hyungwon, Kihyun, and Hoseok anxiously awaited his answer. Any attempts to divert the topic only drew out the pain.

Changkyun took a deep breath. “Alright, but just to warn you,” he began, “it’s embarrassing.”

“Even more reason to tell,” Hyungwon said. He removed his headphones entirely and leaned backwards in his chair as if bracing for the sweet, sweet gossip.

Hoseok closed his textbook. Kihyun’s glasses slipped down his nose.

“Okay,” Changkyun said. His heart thumped loud in his chest. Another mental break down creeped closer and closer towards him. “This morning, Jooheon may or may not have... heard me masturbating in the shower.”

Changkyun pre-emptively winced before anyone could react. Instead, a floodgate of disappointment opened and washed over the room.

“That’s it?” Hyungwon whined. “I’m sure Hoseok has heard me doing a lot worse.”

“Unfortunately, yes,” Hoseok mumbled, his expression blank as if traumatic memories he repressed had found their way back to him. He snapped out of it. “I wouldn’t worry about it. It happens.”

Kihyun reached over and ruffled Changkyun’s hair. It spiked up every which way. “You’re so sensitive, Changkyunie.”

“You guys don’t understand,” Changkyun interjected, frantically smoothing down his hair. “What makes it worse is I was jerking off—fuck, why am I telling you this?—to the thought of Jooheon.”

“So what?” they seemed to say in unison.

“Y’know, this isn’t the reaction I was expecting,” Changkyun said, almost disappointed. He expected some sort of collective shared embarrassment and thus relief, not invalidation. “Is it so crazy that I’m embarrassed about this? Are my ideas about sex rooted in the prehistoric age? Was I raised in too-Christian of a household?”

“That might be it.” Hyungwon pinched his bottom lip between his fingers in thought. “Your mom does have a sign in your kitchen that says ‘All I need is a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus’.”

“Not the point,” Hoseok said. “It’s fine to fantasize about your friends as long as it’s detached from any real feelings, and as long as they don’t know about it.”

Both Hyungwon and Kihyun turned towards him. “Do you fantasize about us?” Kihyun smirked.

“Definitely not,” Hoseok said. “I have much more attractive friends.”

Hyungwon’s mouth hung agape, his ego severely wounded. Within no time, an argument began.

Amongst the hurled insults and Kihyun’s laughter, Changkyun groaned, pulling the attention of the table back to him. He leaned forward and let his forehead rest against the table top. There was just too much to explain. With each explanation, he grew more humiliated. Changkyun was more than willing to bare it, however, if they all just shut up.

Changkyun raised his voice over the noise. “I think Jooheon knew that I was jerking off to him.”

In record speed, everyone became quiet.

“Wait, how’s that possible?” Hoseok asked.

“I didn’t do a very good job of hiding it. I, uh, continued to do it while Jooheon was talking to me through the door. He heard and reacted accordingly.”

“Ah, that changes things,” Hyungwon said awkwardly.

“What are you going to do?” Kihyun asked, finally sympathizing with his pain. It was a relief.

“I don’t know,” Changkyun said. “Know of anyone looking for a roommate?”

Hoseok rested a reassuring hand on Changkyun’s shoulder. “Everything will be fine,” he said. “Just ignore it. Give it a couple of days and life will revert back to normal.”

Hyungwon shrugged. “Or you could try to get him to sleep with you.”

“Tempting.” Changkyun cracked a small smile. “But why am I getting my advice from you? All of you are single.”

Freudian slip.

“Single?” Hyungwon asked. “Who said anything about relationships?”

“Aw, Changkyun wants Jooheon to be his boyfriend,” Hoseok said in a sing-song voice.

Colour rose to Changkyun’s cheeks, warm and peach pink. Was that really what Changkyun wanted? All he hoped for thus far, the best case scenario, was the situation dissipating on its own. Even sleeping with Jooheon meant sexual tension, a ruined friendship, and disaster. And a relationship? Nuclear levels of disaster. But no matter how much he ignored it, Changkyun understood the appeal. Someone to wake up next to, someone to depend on, someone to tie the frayed ends of his life together with. Jooheon might be that person.

“Fuck you guys,” Changkyun said. He was adamant on defending his position even when the battle was lost. “I never said that.”

Kihyun poked Changkyun’s shoulder with the eraser end of his pencil. Changkyun whacked it away. “But you implied it,” Kihyun teased.

Changkyun shook his head. “I’m probably just desperate,” he admitted. “It’s been too long. Way, way too long.”

“The last time Changkyun was inside somebody, he was crowning,” Hyungwon said.

At first there was silence, then Kihyun snorted. He pressed his lips tightly together, but it was no use. Kihyun tilted his head back, laughing as silently as he could muster. Something emerged from deep in his throat that sounded like hiccups, then came the pure, unadulterated laughter Kihyun was known for. Changkyun saw so far back into Kihyun’s mouth he could point out a metallic filling on one of his molars.

“Jesus, fuck. Don’t talk about his mother like that,” Hoseok warned. It only served to make Kihyun laugh harder, sputtering like a dying engine. A few students casted looks their way.

Changkyun glanced back at them, then back to his friends. “You know we’re in a library right?”

Hyungwon finally let out the giggle he had been holding on to for minutes now, and even Hoseok couldn’t stop himself. Changkyun hung his head in his hands, but he was smiling.

“Glad to know I have such supportive friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading everyone! 
> 
> more chapters to come
> 
> follow me on twitter @ jooheonpeach


	3. peppermint and lip balm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update! 
> 
> here's a longer chapter to make up for it :-)

Changkyun returned home late. He stayed at the library to study for a few hours before hiding out in a coffee shop until close. He secretly hoped Jooheon would be asleep or out with friends by the time he got back. It was Friday night after all. Changkyun’s keys scraped inside the lock as he turned the tumblers in place as quietly as possible. He hoisted his backpack high on his shoulders, preparing to book it to his room as soon as he stepped inside. The door opened. He slipped inside and shut it closed. Changkyun heard the TV droning on in the living room and tiptoed into the hallway, hiding himself in the shadow of the doorway. He peeked around the corner, crouched down low to the floor like a frightened cat.

No Jooheon.

The last ten minutes of _When Harry Met Sally..._ played out on screen. “I love that you are the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night,” an impassioned Harry confessed. “And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Changkyun’s eyes rolled back into his head, partially at the oozing cheese of the film and partially at himself for acting so on edge. He straightened up and walked into the living room, careful with every step nonetheless. If he hadn’t known about Jooheon’s secret affinity for romantic comedies, Changkyun might have assumed his mother was paying an unexpected visit. Jooheon likely left the TV on before heading out, as he often did.

Changkyun glanced into the kitchen. Down the hall, Jooheon’s bedroom door was open, but there was no sign of him. The only indications of life were ramen packages strewn about on the coffee table, along with a couple empty beer bottles and wads of Kleenex balled up into a pyramid. Changkyun reached for the remote amongst it, brushing away the debris with a rolled up college magazine that no one would ever read. Just as the TV beeped and turned black, he heard footsteps behind him.

“I was watching that.” 

Changkyun jumped, the TV remote flying from his hand and smacking against the coffee table with a crack.

“Shit,” he hissed and grabbed the remote off the ground. The table remained unscathed, but the remote’s OFF button fell into his palm, the RECORD button following suit and landing on his foot. Changkyun furiously tried to stick them back on. His hands shook. He nearly dropped the remote again. “Holy fuck, you scared me.”

Jooheon grimaced around the toothbrush in his mouth. He put his hands up in defense. “Sorry, sorry. Thought you heard me coming.”

The awkwardness between them was palpable.

Changkyun swallowed. “It’s fine. I thought you might be out.” 

“I got back an hour ago,” Jooheon said. His words were mumbled from the amount of slobbery toothpaste in his mouth, threatening to run down his chin. It sounded more like ‘I ot ack a our awo’.

Jooheon held a finger up and went back into the bathroom. He spat loudly. Changkyun threw the broken remote, along with the buttons, onto the couch and rubbed at his temples. Jooheon gargled and spat again. Changkyun dug his fingernails into the sides of his head. How the hell was he attracted to this? To Jooheon of all people? Changkyun was in college. He had direct access to a huge selection of available men his age, yet his own dick betrayed him the moment he stepped foot in the apartment. Something about Jooheon was weirdly endearing. It pulled Changkyun closer and closer to the sun. He was Icarus and Jooheon was the wax wings strapped against his back. Flying was fun until they eventually melted and sent Changkyun hurling to his death, squashing him like a pancake.

Changkyun promptly dropped his arms to his sides when Jooheon returned. Jooheon wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. A smudge of white, frothy toothpaste remained in the left corner of his mouth. Jooheon’s lips were plump and pink with colour like he’d been chewing at them. His bottom lip was shiny with chapstick. Something fiery grew in the pit of Changkyun’s stomach. He looked down at the floor. The three feet of space between them could easily be crossed. Changkyun could slot their lips together, bury his fingers in Jooheon’s messy hair.

Instead, Changkyun cleared his throat. “You’ve got, uh, some toothpaste right there.”

“Hm?” Jooheon asked, raising his fingers to his mouth but missing the remnants. “Where? Did I get it?” 

Changkyun scratched his thumb against his own mouth to demonstrate. “Right there.”

Jooheon ran his tongue against his bottom lip. “Got it?

If Changkyun were to kiss him, he’d taste like peppermint and lip balm.

Changkyun gave a small smile, but he felt perspiration on the back of his neck, arousal stirring in his groin. “Got it,” Changkyun assured, forcing his eyes away from Jooheon’s lips. He was indulging too much. “I’m going to put my stuff away.”

Without another word, Changkyun slipped past Jooheon and hurried into his room. He dropped his backpack down at the foot of his bed and sprawled out on his mattress. He sighed. There was a whole list of tooth-achingly sweet adjectives Changkyun could use to describe Jooheon. He resented himself for the words that popped into his head one by one.

  1. Addictive
  2. Adorable
  3. Angelic
  4. Attractive 



And Changkyun was only in the A’s. 

Changkyun sunk deeper and deeper into the comfort of his mattress. The weight of the day lifted off of him. He found himself drifting off. Surreal images poured into his head, slow and heavy like molasses. His eyes twitched beneath his eyelids, his breath evened out, and then he was off the dream land. 

Changkyun found himself in the west campus library. It was empty aside from one table and two chairs, and rows and rows of strangely uniform books with unintelligible titles and authors. Sunlight dripped from the sky light above. Changkyun walked among the books, running his hands up and down their bindings, then sat down at the empty table. Jooheon appeared in the chair across from him. He was wearing next to nothing, only a tight pair of black, boxer-briefs. A trail of dark hair peeked out from beneath his naval and his bare thighs swelled against the grainy wood of the undersized library chair. He shrugged a towel around his shoulders, but his body was completely dry. He stared blankly at Changkyun, then leaned forward.

“I thought you heard me coming.” 

The scene changed. Jooheon straddled Changkyun’s lap. He moaned softly against Changkyun’s neck, his hands in Changkyun’s hair. They were tangled together on the floor, Changkyun’s back pressed against a bookshelf. The spines of dusty textbooks dug into his skin, but he barely noticed as Jooheon grinded against him, kissed him sloppily, took his lips between his teeth and tugged. Jooheon’s cock fell hard against Changkyun’s naked stomach. The tip was shiny with pre-come.  

Everything felt visceral, almost real, almost lucid. For a moment, Changkyun knew he was dreaming, his erection hard against his leg, but consciously he had little control. He pulsed inside Jooheon, so tight and so wet, and tipped his head back against the shelf, letting out a guttural moan. The bookshelf rattled, then teetered, and a tower of books crashed into the floor. They seemed to meld and sink into the carpet as if it was made of liquid.

Suddenly, Kihyun poked his head out of the newly made space in the bookshelf. His glasses slipped down his nose. “Could you keep it down?” he yelled.

Changkyun woke up with a start, dangerously close the edge of his bed. Sweat soaked through the back of his loose t-shirt, sticking to his skin with the rise and fall of his chest. Instinctively, Changkyun checked for a wet spot at the front of his underwear. Thankfully, there was nothing. Changkyun erection dissipated, growing soft against his leg.

He swallowed, blushing with juvenile embarrassment as if he was in the throes of puberty once again. His tongue was heavy in his mouth. Saliva grated against his dry throat. His stomach growled hollowly, threatening to close in on itself. Changkyun planted his feet on the floor and stumbled out of bed. Blood rushed to his head, his vision dimmed, and his head spun. Changkyun gripped the edge of his mattress to balance himself. The images of his dream were already fading from his mind in tendrils, but Changkyun could not ignore the hot flush spreading out from his chest and stretching all the way down to his groin.   

In an unlikely turn of events, Changkyun almost felt no guilt at all. If he needed to vent his sexual frustrations, his subconscious was a good place for those feelings to run their course. It was either this or the real world, and you can’t blame something you can’t control.     

Still partially asleep, Changkyun walked into the kitchen. He craved leftover takeout noodles and a cold slice of pizza or two. Jooheon was awake, curled up on the couch in front of the TV. He nursed a partially empty bottle of soju. The bright screen flashed in succession over Jooheon’s face. Changkyun squinted at him, eyes adjusting to the light, but Jooheon failed to notice his presence. He stared drunkenly at the TV, eyes half-lidded and fingers fidgeting with the frayed wrapper around his bottle of soju. Jooheon didn’t usually drink alone. He opted to drink with his friends Hyunwoo or Minhyuk more often than not. Within the bouts of light, Changkyun noticed Jooheon’s red and bleary eyes. The pyramid of Kleenexes from earlier had grown. Changkyun glanced at the television. An action scene alike to _Bourne Identity_ or _Mission Impossible_ transpired on screen _._ Not your typical tear jerker. 

In his sleep induced lack of inhibition, Changkyun felt compelled to say something. He considered briefly, in a moment of anxiety, that he might be the cause of Jooheon’s distress, but tears—even for Changkyun—would be an overreaction. His panic subsided.

Jooheon was probably stressed out from exams, or maybe Jason Statham really pulled at his heart strings. Changkyun couldn’t blame him for either.

“Everything alright?” Changkyun asked.

Jooheon looked up from the couch, finally noticing Changkyun in the doorway of the kitchen. He tensed, sitting upright. Jooheon rubbed at his eyes, setting the bottle on the floor as if to hide it from Changkyun’s line of sight.

“Everything’s good,” Jooheon said and cleared his throat. Changkyun remained unconvinced, but he didn’t press further. It was none of his business. “What are you doing up so late?"

Changkyun glanced at the clock about the oven. 3:04 AM.

He shrugged. “I got thirsty.”

Jooheon reached for the bottle at his feet. He tipped it in Changkyun’s direction. The soju sloshed back and forth, threatening to spill out onto the carpet. Instinctively, Changkyun’s mouth watered, but he wasn’t fooled by the pre-packaged battery acid.

“Care to join me?” Jooheon asked. His timid smile contrasted goofily across his puffy and flushed face.

Changkyun hesitated. An air of uncomfortability swallowed the apartment whole. All Changkyun wanted to do was run from it and run from Jooheon. However, a refusal of a peace offering, however metaphorical, might confuse things further.

Without another thought, Changkyun stepped into the living room and grabbed the bottle of soju from Jooheon’s hands. Maybe self-medication was exactly what he needed. Their fingers brushed against each other briefly—even more reason to drink—and Changkyun took a hefty swig. Maybe _too_ hefty. It burned down the strip of his throat. When Changkyun tried to speak, his voice devolved into a sputter. He coughed violently into the crick of his arm. Jooheon laughed a little too hard for Changkyun’s liking. His cheeks burned red from the soju.

“Too strong?” Jooheon asked. He motioned for Changkyun to return the bottle. He gladly obliged.

Changkyun shook his head. “Just right,” he said, then coughed once more.

Jooheon smiled at him, wide and uninhibited this time. Changkyun grinned back. This was good. This was natural. It was possible the sand was settling and everything was returning to normal, or maybe Jooheon was too drunk to let any awkwardness remain between them. Changkyun was counting on the former.   

“Sorry about the mess,” Jooheon said, gathering up some of the garbage into an empty bag of takeout.

Changkyun smiled, grateful for the small talk that filled the silence. “It’s alright.” Changkyun pointed at the remote sitting on the edge of the couch. “Sorry for breaking the remote.”

Jooheon chuckled. “No worries.”

“I’ll buy some glue, I promise.”

Jooheon held up the remote, a few more buttons were missing. “We might need more than glue.”

They both laughed, but the sounds of gunfire and explosions blasting from the TV soon overtook their laughter.

“Well, I’ll leave you to your movie,” Changkyun said, suddenly aware that if he overstayed his welcome the awkwardness would come drifting back.

Jooheon nodded, staring down into his bottle of soju. “Alright.” 

Something sad flashed across Jooheon’s face, but once again Changkyun couldn’t place the cause. He started down the hallway, but before reaching his room he stopped himself. Changkyun peeked back out into the living room.

“Thanks for the drink,” he said, giving a small smile.

“Anytime,” Jooheon said. He held Changkyun’s gaze. A warm and fuzzy feeling enveloped Changkyun’s stomach, burning up to his ears. It was different from what he felt in his dream, devoid of anything sexual, yet yearning all the same. 

Changkyun dropped his eyes like he might be crushed underneath Jooheon’s stare. “Goodnight, Jooheon,” he said softly.

“Goodnight, Changkyun.”

The rest of Changkyun’s sleep was dreamless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope everyone had a good weekend!
> 
> thank you for reading as always. let me know what you think
> 
> follow me on twitter @ jooheonpeach


	4. nosedive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the super long delay! life is life
> 
> enjoy!

Changkyun stepped out of the lecture hall just after noon, having completed his second last exam.

It was snowing.

Crisp air nipped at Changkyun’s ungloved hands, the force of the wind tightening the scarf around his neck as if to choke him. Snow dotted the tips of Changkyun’s eyelashes and melted against his cheeks. Blessed be, winter break was on its way. Changkyun looked forward to goofing off, sleeping in until noon in his childhood bedroom back in Boston, and eating home cooked food until the contents of his stomach burst open like water through a poorly constructed dam.

Changkyun trekked home. It was hard not to imagine himself as an arctic explorer amongst the blustering snow and wind. He passed the library, campus coffee shops, and a gaggle of upper class students bundled up to their chins in Canada Goose jackets. 

As Changkyun waited to cross the street, his phone buzzed violently in the pocket of his jacket. He let it go to voicemail at first, reluctant to remove his hands from the warmth of the sleeves they were tucked into. But when he reached the other side of the crosswalk, it rang again, and it kept ringing. With a huff, Changkyun reached into his coat pocket. He recognized the number as Hyungwon’s.

Since when do twenty-somethings post-2010 call each other? Changkyun lifted the phone to his ear.

“Hi?” Changkyun asked, his voice laced with annoyance and oozing with sarcasm.

He continued walking, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. The sidewalks were coated in a treacherous layer of ice. Changkyun had to be careful not to slip while the conversation divided his attention.

“Took you long enough,” Hyungwon joked on the other end.

Changkyun snorted. “I have an odd feeling that you’re not calling to congratulate me on my finished exam”. 

“Hey, congratulations!” Hyungwon cheered. Then his tone flattened with comical immediacy. “But, yeah, no. I wasn’t.”

Changkyun rolled his eyes. “What is it then?”

“I call bearing news.”

Changkyun switched the phone into his other hand, curling and uncurling his fingers to bring some feeling back to them. He blew against his knuckles before his hand retreated back into the warmth of his bunched up sleeve.

“This better be good,” Changkyun said. “It’s freezing out. My fingers might be falling off.”

“Well, I guess that depends on your definition of good,” Hyungwon mused. “It’s all about perspective, y’know?”

The corner of Changkyun’s street was finally in sight. Changkyun suppressed the urge to hang up the phone and book it to his front door.

“Hyungwon,” Changkyun pleaded. “Stop being vague and please get to the point.”

“Right, the point,” Hyungwon sighed directly into his microphone, the audio crackling in Changkyun’s ear. “It’s about Jooheon.”

Changkyun’s heart might have skipped a beat if it hadn’t already been thumping away at rocket speed to produce heat in the dead of winter.

His response was curt. “Oh. What about Jooheon?”

“Well,” Hyungwon began. “I saw Hyunwoo at _Brass Monkey_ last night and we got talking.”

 _Brass Monkey_ was one of the many bars near campus. It was by far the most popular, and thus the sleaziest. Changkyun avoided it like the bubonic plague unless Hyungwon or Hoseok fed him copious amounts of alcohol before prepositioning him to come. Nothing good could come out of a conversation at _Brass Monkey_. Nervousness churned Changkyun’s stomach. Funnily enough, that was the effect the cocktails at _Brass Monkey_ often had.

“As you know,” Hyungwon continued, “I’m not one to gossip.”

Changkyun pressed his lips together in an attempt to hold in his laughter.

“But I have some dirt,” Hyungwon said. He took a deep breath in as if to build anticipation. “Apparently Jooheon just broke up with his boyfriend... of four years.”

Changkyun’s boots halted in the snow.

“What? How?” The words left his mouth more emotionally charged than he anticipated. He sounded shocked and borderline _angry._

Changkyun’s eyebrows furrowed together. In the whole year they’d lived together, Changkyun never once suspected that Jooheon had a boyfriend. He  was never much of a social media snoop aside from the occasional SoundCloud perusing and, unless he was completely oblivious, the only people Changkyun saw Jooheon bring home were known friends.

“Was this recent?” Changkyun asked, swallowing the lump in his throat, hard and round like a fruit pit.  

“From my understanding, it happened a couple days ago.”

_The crying last night._

It made sense now.

Guilt curled inside Changkyun’s stomach. If only he’d known, he might have been more comforting. Instead, he had continued panicking about jerking off, utterly self-absorbed. It seemed so ridiculous now, another nail in the coffin for any dignity Changkyun might have retained... if that was even possible.

“I never would have guessed,” Changkyun said, calmer now and voice deliberately steady. “Jooheon never even mentioned him.”

“I didn’t know either,” Hyungwon said. “It was long distance apparently. Hyunwoo told me Jooheon’s boyfriend, _ex_ -boyfriend I should say, goes to university on the other side of the country. In my opinion, it sounded like their relationship was on its way out for a while. But what do I know?”

“A lot more than me apparently,” Changkyun gave a small laugh, but his anxiety grew inside his chest. “Thanks for telling me, Hyungwon. This... complicates things.”

And that was putting it lightly.

“Hey, this could be good news on your end,” Hyungwon suggested, trying to keep the mood light and failing. “Or it could make things worse. I guess it depends on how Jooheon handles breakups.”

“I guess I’ll have to find out,” Changkyun said, although he already had a partial answer to his own question.

“Keep me posted.”

“Of course,” Changkyun assured. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“See ya,” Hyungwon said, then added before Changkyun could hang up, “Try not to overthink it.”

Changkyun sighed. The air billowed white in front of his face. “I think we’re way past that point.”

Without another word, Hyungwon hung up. The line went dead. Changkyun lifted his head and the façade of the apartment met his eyes. He was frozen in the spot, the dead line beeping incessantly in his ear. Despite his frostbitten nose and fingers, Changkyun no longer wanted to seek refuge inside the warmth of the house, not if Jooheon was there.

But he heeded Hyungwon’s words.

_Don’t overthink it._

Changkyun slipped the phone back inside his coat and forced his feet forward. When he reached the doorstep, he fumbled around for his keys. His fingers were as stiff as icicles as he searched inside his deep coat pockets. When he finally found them the key ring slipped out of his grasp and his keys fell straight into the snowbank.

“Goddammit.”

Changkyun stooped down and bent forward towards the key-shaped hole in the snow. He reached over, stretching his arm farther than what was typically comfortable. Changkyun didn’t notice as the toe of his boot caught an accumulation of ice on the step. Just as he began to fall forward, the front door slammed open, nearly smacking him in the ass. Changkyun lost his grip on the step and he slipped, losing his footing. The momentum propelled him face first into the snow bank.

Changkyun’s outstretched hands broke most of his fall, piercing through the snow and bracing against the gravelly pavement. Despite his efforts he landed oddly on his shoulder with a crunch of ice and snow. Something sharp dug into his kneecap. Immediately, the wet and cold of the snowbank seeped into the fabric of his jacket and his now dirt-covered jeans. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Changkyun groaned. He ever-so-slightly turned over to lay on his back, gripping his sore shoulder. The many textbooks in his backpack dug into his spine. Scrapes covered the palms of his hands where he broke his fall. Changkyun squinted against the descending snowflakes as they stuck to his eyelashes and tickled his cheeks.

“Shit, Changkyun. Are you okay?”

Changkyun’s eyes shot open. He bolted upright, despite the aching all over his body screaming at him to stay down. Jooheon was standing on the porch facing him, dressed in loose-fitting pyjamas and barefoot. His eyes were wide and his arms were outstretched as if he intended to catch Changkyun before he nosedived.

Any and all intelligent words Changkyun could have said in that moment escaped him. “My keys...” was all he could muster.

Jooheon blinked at him. “I thought I heard you struggling to get in the—” he paused. “Oh shit, you’re bleeding.”

Changkyun glanced down. A hole was ripped into the left leg of his jeans. Blood dyed the frayed edges red.

“Shit, _my keys_ ,” Changkyun said again.

Jooheon’s eyebrows raised in confusion as Changkyun’s hand disappeared into the snowbank. He searched around, plowing up the snow, until the tips of his fingers touched cold metal. Changkyun closed his fist around it and pulled his hand out from the snow, holding it towards Jooheon in explanation. His keys dangled from his index finger, clinking together like wind chimes.

“Oh, your keys,” Jooheon reaffirmed.

Changkyun began to stand up. He gripped the side of the house for leverage,  wobbling unsteadily in his soaked through boots. The cut on his knee stung as he straightened his legs and took a cautious step towards to stairs.

Jooheon leaned forward and offered him a hand, concern painted his face. “Do you need any help?”

"No,” Changkyun said, maybe too harshly, but he couldn’t bear the idea of Jooheon’s arms wrapped tightly around him, pulling him up, holding him steady. More embarrassment was the last thing he needed. He was angry that Jooheon would even bother to ask.

Since when did Jooheon bother to do anything? He never bothered to tell Changkyun he had a boyfriend.

Jooheon stepped back, his arm retreating stiffly to his side. Changkyun hobbled out of the snowbank and up the steps. Up close, Changkyun spotted a bright pink flush spreading high on Jooheon’s cheekbones and across his nose. Jooheon turned away before Changkyun could debate whether the flush was from the cold or from the situation itself.

“The door was unlocked, you know,” Jooheon said. He nearly sounded annoyed, something tense in his tone of voice. He turned the knob and pushed the front door open. “You wouldn’t have needed your keys anyways.”

Changkyun stood there, dumbfounded, as Jooheon disappeared down the steps. Changkyun brushed the snow off his jacket and followed after him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! let me know what you think as it really motivates me to write :-)
> 
> thanks again
> 
> follow me on twitter @ jooheonpeach


	5. frozen taquitos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's part 5! i really have no idea how long this fic will be at this point
> 
> it is a mystery 
> 
> enjoy!

Changkyun shucked off his soaked through winter coat and tossed it haphazardly onto the back of an armchair, water streaming onto the carpet in fat droplets. He hobbled towards the bathroom, passing Jooheon’s room on the way, the door already shut, some moody, bass-boosted trap beat seeping through the thin walls.

Changkyun frowned. Did he really piss Jooheon off that much? Enough to inspire him to listen to some pissbaby Drake song? The rough material of Changkyun’s jeans grated uncomfortably against the open wound on his knee and he was again reminded of his dire straits. Changkyun winced and carried on, his shoulder throbbing in unison with each grunt and groan.

Maybe he was the pissbaby.

Changkyun propped his elbow up with his opposite hand in a makeshift sling and kicked the bathroom door open with the edge of his foot. The doorknob crashed into the adjacent wall, no doubt smashing a pock mark into the cheap drywall—god knows how they were going to get their safety deposit back on this place. Changkyun cursed as he found his way to the medicine cabinet. He reached for a bottle of antiseptic, leaving his injured arm dangling uselessly at his hip like a wet piece of spaghetti, when his elbow caught a stack of pill bottles on the edge of the sink and sent them crashing to the floor, one tumbling into the garbage can and another into the toilet. The bottle of antiseptic slipped from the shelf out of Changkyun’s grasp and landed in the sink, nearly splitting open and spilling down the drain.

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” Changkyun all but screamed. He leaned forward against the sink and pressed his forehead against the cool surface of the cabinet mirror with a thud. “I give up.” Another thud. “What is wrong with me?” One more thud. The mirror shook.

Changkyun saw Jooheon’s fuzzy reflection in the mirror first, peeking out from around the bathroom door, then he heard him say, “Since when were you so clumsy?” Jooheon stepped further in to view, just as underdressed as he had been outside.

Changkyun stared blankly. “Ever since I met you, apparently.” It left his lips before he could contemplate the implication.  The searing pain in his shoulder was enough of a hindrance to straight-thinking, nevertheless Jooheon’s sudden appearance. His second sudden appearance of the day.

Jooheon grimaced as Changkyun half-heartedly reached for the antiseptic again. Wet with condensation, it slipped from his fingers and rolled around in the sink.

Another thud.

“Last time I’ll ask...” Jooheon said, not bothering to hide his exasperation. “But do you need help?”

“Yes,” Changkyun said, utterly defeated. He felt like a rabbit rolled over on its side, showing its soft underbelly to a predator, one who could tear him apart with just one look. “If it’s not too late...”

Without a word, Jooheon reached past Changkyun and opened the side of the medicine cabinet that wasn’t otherwise preoccupied by Changkyun’s head. He grabbed a couple loose Band-Aids from the top shelf and took the antiseptic from where it sat in the sink.

“Need an icepack?” Jooheon asked, glancing at Changkyun’s limp arm.

Changkyun lifted his face from the mirror to look at Jooheon directly, or as directly as possible. He leaned with his back against the sink, cheeks burning, eyes unable to meet the ones boring down at him with an unsubdued compassion he probably didn’t deserve.

“I didn’t know you were in the nursing program,” Changkyun joked instead. His go-to defence mechanism prematurely revealed itself. He had no more tricks in his book to distract Jooheon from the nervousness dripping from his voice. A uneasy smirk upturned the corners of Changkyun’s mouth. It otherwise translated to ‘yes’ which in turn translated to ‘oh-god-please-don’t-notice-how-weird-I-act-around-you’.

It was a futile plea.

“Shut up, I’m trying to help,” Jooheon said, but there was no bite behind his words. He smirked and headed down the hallway to the kitchen.

As soon as Jooheon’s back was turned, Changkyun broke out into a full blown smile.

After some rustling around in the freezer, Jooheon returned with a homemade icepack AKA a bag of frozen taquitos wrapped in a mountain of paper towel. His face appeared apologetic.

Changkyun couldn’t help but laugh. “Didn’t think I was going to rub some deep fried tortillas on my body.”

“We didn’t have any peas,” Jooheon said, his eyebrows furrowed, offering up the bag. “If you want I can throw you back into the snow.”

Changkyun took it without another complaint, awkwardly clearing his throat. “Thanks,” he said and pressed the makeshift icepack against his shoulder. The worst of the throbbing subsided immediately and Changkyun sighed in relief. Not bad for some chilled Mexican food.

“Any better?” Jooheon asked, unsure.

“Yeah, a lot better,” Changkyun said. “Thanks.”

“And what about your knee?”

Amidst the kerfuffle to ice his shoulder, Changkyun had nearly forgotten. He glanced down. The bleeding seemed to have slowed, the material surrounding the cut rusty red and dried with blood. “I can deal with that myself,” Changkyun began, but Jooheon was already opening the bottle of antiseptic.

“Just focus on icing your shoulder,” Jooheon said, dumping some of the pungent liquid into a wad of tissues.

“You really, _really_ don’t have to do that,” Changkyun insisted, ears reddening more and more by the second, but Jooheon dropped to his knees on the bathroom floor before Changkyun could stop him.

Changkyun hissed as the antiseptic seeped into his cut. Jooheon remained unapologetic and continued to blot Changkyun’s injury, blood blossoming into pink clouds against the ball of tissues. Changkyun watched him work in silence, his bottom lip caught between his teeth, careful not to whine again at the sting. He clutched the bag of taquitos tighter against his arm.

Jooheon was so close, too close, the closest he’d ever been to him, his head nearly between Changkyun’s knees. Changkyun’s heart fluttered within his chest, danced and skipped and twirled like an acrobat 1000 feet in the air, the thrill of falling invading the fuzzy edges of his brain. The heat of Jooheon’s breath glanced off the bare skin of Changkyun’s knee and something white-hot stirred in his lower belly.

Changkyun wondered whether Jooheon soothed the bruises of his ex-boyfriend in the same way, left a glass of water on his bedside table after a long night of drinking, stayed close even when he was sick, homemade chicken noodle soup and Star Wars themed Band-Aids. The way Jooheon was looking at Changkyun now, eyes softened with worry, his touch almost too gentle against Changkyun’s skin, he could picture it so easily. Jooheon, the deceptively caring and worried type. Changkyun wouldn’t have guessed at first glance, but now he saw it. He saw it so clear.

And it hurt.

Because Changkyun wasn’t deluded enough to believe his relationship with Jooheon could ever resemble anything close to chicken noodle soup and Band-Aids. In reality, it was Jooheon’s pity for him that influenced these fleeting moments of care and attention. Nothing more.

“It doesn’t look all that bad, now that the blood is cleaned up” Jooheon said finally and tossed the stained tissues into the garbage. “You won’t need stitches at least. There wasn’t that much-” Jooheon did a double-take. He looked down into the trashcan before reaching in and pulling out the pill bottle Changkyun had knocked over moments ago.

Changkyun shrugged. “Whatever you do,” he said, “don’t look in the toilet.”

Jooheon disobeyed him, of course, glancing over as soon as Changkyun finished his sentence. “I’m not dealing with that,” Jooheon said, his nose upturned.

Considering the toilet was last cleaned in the lower Paleolithic era, Changkyun didn’t blame him.

“How’s your shoulder?” Jooheon asked next. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No, no, no,” Changkyun assured Jooheon, straightening to prove his steady condition.

They were even closer now that Changkyun wasn’t backed up against the sink for support. The baggy edges of Jooheon’s boxer shorts brushed against his thighs. Jooheon was only an inch or so taller than him, but it was enough of a difference to level Changkyun’s eyeline with Jooheon’s top lip. Changkyun’s  breath hitched in his throat. 

“I just need some rest and rehabilitation and I’ll be right as rain,” Changkyun said, his voice oddly low.

Jooheon appeared skeptical, but nodded nonetheless. A loose strand of dirty blond hair fell onto his forehead. Changkyun clenched the fist of his good arm, deliberately reminding himself not to reach out and tuck it back into place. The cool porcelain of the sink pressed into Changkyun’s back again as he tried his best to distance himself.  It was a welcome relief from the oppressive warmth, real or imaginary, sweltering in the room. Jooheon seemed even closer now, despite the step back.

The air between them pulled tight like an elastic band.

Changkyun wondered when it would snap.

But just like that the tension vanished as if it was never there.

Changkyun slipped past Jooheon and reached for the knob of the bathroom door in one calculated motion. What was he doing? Throughout the past week, Changkyun had asked himself that question over and over again, but this time it mattered. If anything were to happen between them now, Changkyun would only be a rebound, something for Jooheon to use and throw away. And Changkyun would use Jooheon just the same. He could not with clear conscience take advantage of Jooheon’s delicate situation. Images of a faceless ex-boyfriend, however concocted, crowded Changkyun’s mind, but strongest of all was the memory of Jooheon curled up in front of the TV last night, eyes red and bleary, soju gripped hard in his palm.

This wasn’t the way Changkyun wanted any of this to happen.

It wasn’t fair to Jooheon.

It wasn’t fair to himself.

So when Changkyun turned back towards Jooheon, he smiled warmly. It was a parallel of the night before with the added silliness of a bag of frozen Mexican food attached to Changkyun’s shoulder. “Thanks for all the help,” he said. His voice was as forcibly steady as he could manage.

Jooheon’s eyes crinkled into half-moons. “Any time.”

Changkyun was a foot away from his bedroom door when Jooheon called after him. “Wait, Changkyun.”

He stepped out into the hallway, hand outstretched. Their fingers brushed, a feeling now strangely familiar to Changkyun, as Jooheon dropped something into his open palm.

“You might need one of these,” Jooheon said. 

Something playful danced in his eyes. He retreated to his room before Changkyun could say anything in return. He looked down at his hand. It was a Band-Aid, worn and plain, wrapper fraying around the edges, but it would work just fine.

Changkyun smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lemme know what ya think
> 
> sending good vibes to all of you
> 
> thank you so much for reading! i know i suck at replying to comments but it really just baffles me that anyone would take their time to read this so that's all i really can say lol
> 
> you guys are the best
> 
> follow me on twitter @ jooheonpeach


	6. surprise

It was late afternoon when Changkyun heard a rap on the front door. He lifted his nose from his chemistry textbook and gladly shut it with a satisfying thud. His fourth and final exam wasn’t until mid-December. Five minutes of studying was enough.

The knocking continued. Changkyun hopped off his bed and headed for the door. He heard a faint but rapid-fire clicking as whoever it was tried the doorbell. It was nothing more than a wall ornament, however. It hadn’t worked once in the entire year that Changkyun lived there. The stranger knocked again, more aggressively this time.

“I’m coming, hold on a second,” Changkyun shouted, reaching for the knob and twisting the lock that was stiffened by the cold.

When the door opened he was met by a rush of wintry air and an unfamiliar face.

A man, not much older than Changkyun, stood on the front steps. He hugged his arms around his shoulders, wrapping the oversized, down jacket he was wearing tighter against himself.  His hair, neatly trimmed into a crew cut, was covered in snowflakes. Changkyun stared him down, attempting to place him as one of his classmates or perhaps someone Hyungwon knew—sharp eyes, full lips, flat nose—but he couldn’t recognize him.

“Hi, can I help you with something?” Changkyun asked flatly, unhappy to be standing in the foyer with the door wide open while all the heat from the house seeped outside. He imagined the price of his utility bills going up and up and up.

The stranger fiddled with the plain, black snapback he was holding in his hands. He clasped and unclasped the snap closure, setting Changkyun’s teeth on edge. The stranger peered around him into the living room as if there was something he was looking for—or someone.

Then it dawned on Changkyun.

“You’re looking for Jooheon, right?” Changkyun asked, a familiar lump growing in his throat.

“Yeah,” the stranger finally spoke. He chuckled in an exasperated sort of way in an attempt to soothe the awkwardness that a surprise visit creates. “I’m here to pick-up my stuff.”

It was then that Changkyun noticed the empty backup slung onto his shoulders. Changkyun glanced over at Jooheon’s room. The lights were off and the door was ajar. Jooheon’s usual pair of Jordans were gone from their spot by the closet.

“Jooheon isn’t here right now, but you can come in if you want,” Changkyun said, hoping his reluctance wouldn’t bleed into his voice.

Jooheon’s ex smiled thinly. “Thanks,” he said and stomped the snow off his boots before walking inside.

Changkyun stepped away to allow him into the hallway, watching as he shucked off his coat and untied his combat boots. The silence was thick and stifling. How in God’s name was he supposed to interact with the ex of the guy he had an all consuming crush on? Was this an appropriate time for small talk? Should they talk about the weather? The game last night? Changkyun didn’t even watch sports.  

“I’m Jooheon’s roommate by the way, Changkyun,” he said instead.

“I’m Gunhee. It’s nice to meet you. Jooheon mentioned you a few times.”

 _Yeah, well he failed to mention you,_ Changkyun thought. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from voicing it. There were so many questions he wanted to ask, anything to alleviate his cluelessness. What kind of relationship did you have, why were you never around, what do you have against my front door? And most importantly, what went wrong? All very, very inappropriate questions to ask someone he had just met and would likely never see again.

But Changkyun was curious. A dark need bubbled inside him that needed to know. The answers would be hard to hear, no doubt, but it was like a bandaid that needed to be ripped off. If he found out how wonderful a boyfriend Gunhee was, it might be a good sting, a satisfying answer to his feelings of inadequacy. If it was the opposite, well, what would he do then? He wasn’t so sure.   

“Right, you’re Gunhee,” Changkyun said, subtly sizing him up. He watched Jooheon’s now-named ex straighten and throw his coat onto a chair at Changkyun’s discretion, his boots kicked off somewhere near the shoe rack. He was wearing a distressed Wu-Tang graphic tee. Tattoos covered his forearms. He sure was a lot of things Changkyun was not.

“So where’s Jooheon?” Gunhee asked, swaying forward and backwards on his heels.

Changkyun shrugged. “The library, maybe the on-campus studio,” he guessed.

Jooheon came and went without much of a word about where he was going, but like a lot of music students he spent his free afternoons messing around with audio tracks and playing with beats in the college sound rooms, maybe fiddling with an instrument or two.

“Do you know when he’ll be back?” Gunhee asked, his tone a little too insistent on an answer.

 _Look buddy, I’m his roommate not his babysitter_ , Changkyun wanted to say. Instead he observed Gunhee closely, watched the way he was clawing at a hangnail on his left thumb, his teeth worrying his lower lip.

“Hey, does Jooheon even know you’re here?”

Gunhee broke eye contact as if Changkyun had caught him in a lie. “No, not exactly,” Gunhee said. “Honestly, it’s for the best. I don’t think he wants to see me right now.”

Changkyun grimaced. He felt dirty letting Gunhee into their house without Jooheon’s prior permission. He glanced at the front door, afraid he could walk in any minute now. Changkyun was once again reminded of how upset Jooheon was that night and the urge he now had to pick up all the scattered pieces. Nonetheless, Changkyun didn’t want to get involved in Jooheon’s messy breakup.  

“Well, you better grab your shit and go,” Changkyun said. He surprised himself with his own bravado. When it involved Jooheon’s well being, a sort of courage arose from the ashes of his self-confidence. “His room is the first door on the left.”

Changkyun sat in the living room, listening intently to the rustling of clothes, papers, photographs and assorted knick knacks as Gunhee made himself busy. He was in and out of Jooheon’s room in under fifteen minutes, his backpack near bursting at the seams. A Chicago Bulls sweater, one that Jooheon wore often, peaked out of the very top.

Gunhee was pulling on his boots and reaching for his coat when he spoke. “Can I ask you something?”

Changkyun perked up from his spot on the couch. “Sure, shoot.”

“Are you and Jooheon close?” he asked.

Changkyun’s tongue felt limp in his mouth as he stumbled his way across an explanation. “Uh, no, well we’re roommates, so roommate level close, if that’s a thing?” Changkyun said. “But really not that close.”

Gunhee nodded. A half smile flashed across his face before his expression sobered again. “Can you do me a favour?” he asked.

“I guess so.”

Gunhee reached into the smallest pocket of his backpack and pulled out a stack of photographs. They were bound together by a pink rubber band. He only gripped the sides, holding them as if they were precious. He handed them to Changkyun.“Throw these out for me.”

Changkyun looked down at them. The first photograph was slightly blurry and fraying around the edges. A teenaged Jooheon stared back at him, sitting on bench in front of a makeshift campfire. There was a roasted s'more in his one hand and a sparkler in the other. The light at the end of it was warped and glowing like a line of traffic in a long exposure photograph. He looked the most blatantly joyful Changkyun had ever seen. Beside him was Gunhee, his hair long, a hoodie covering most of his face. They were both laughing.

It was a sucker punch to Changkyun’s stomach.

Gunhee started towards the door. Before he could grip the knob, Changkyun caved to the curiosity gnawing at him like a dog gnaws on a bone.

“Can I ask you a question?” he blurted out

Gunhee turned. “Yeah, go ahead."

“What went wrong? What did do to break his heart?”

Gunhee chuckled, but it sounded sad and broken, more so than before. “I think you’ve got it wrong,” he said. “He broke mine.”

Changkyun stared blankly at the photographs. Gunhee left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long update wait. i just started uni and i'm getting into the swing of things. also boo writer's block
> 
> here's a short little chapter. it's not very ~*~*~sexy~*~*~ but you've got some plot which is..... ploty
> 
> also i edited some of the chapter titles because they didn't flow as well as i wanted. thanks for reading! love u
> 
> follow me on twitter @ jooheonpeach


	7. brass monkey that funky monkey

Changkyun’s rum and coke tasted like shoe polish.

He rethought his life decisions as he nursed his drink, watching Hyungwon from across the bar as he chatted up the oh-so-handsome president of the Poetry Club. The _Brass Monkey_ was packed full with undergrad students, all trying to talk over each other, competing to be heard over the bass boosted Calvin Harris song blasting from two shitty speakers above the bar. The room smelled like stale Bud Light, sweat, and men’s body spray, the lights so dim he could barely read the pub food specials on the bar menu.

How did Changkyun manage to get himself dragged into this? Good question. 

Changkyun downed the rest of his drink—his third drink of the night—urging himself to get drunk enough to tune out the music before he died from auditory blood loss. He slammed his glass down, immediately cringing away when his fingers brushed the sticky surface of the table. Grimacing, he wiped his hand on his jeans and looked up just in time to see Hoseok slide into the booth beside him. 

“Do you really think he’s his type?” he said, well, shouted.

Changkyun braced his ears for his own response. “What? Who?”

Hoseok pointed to Hyungwon who was not-so-subtly leaning against President Poetry’s shoulder, laughing and fiddling with the bright pink straw in his vodka tonic.

“Dark, tall, good looking, academic. Seems like his type,” Changkyun said. “Why? You jealous?”

Hoseok huffed. “No.”

It wasn’t very convincing. Hoseok must have figured as much because he changed his tune, the advocate for honesty that he was.

“I’ve just been thinking about it lately, Hyungwon and I,” he shrugged. “Could be fun.”

“Being in love with your roommate is a shit idea,” Changkyun said, recalling what a disaster the last few days had been, and the photos Gunhee had gave him earlier that day. He remembered Jooheon’s smile, warm and bright, and his stomach fluttered. But not with butterflies. Bees. Bees were more like it. Giant, angry, killer bees. “I would know.”

Changkyun surprised himself when he admitted it with such ease. A week ago the thought would have embarrassed him, terrified him even. He stared down the bottom of his empty glass. Either he had matured—unlikely—or the shoe polish was working. Reason #1 why _Brass Monkey_ was so popular despite the gnats, the cockroaches, and the sticky floors: they never watered drinks down, and they never checked your ID.

“I’m not in love,” Hoseok said, elbowing Changkyun softly in the shoulder. “Not everyone falls in love at first sight.”

Changkyun’s lips pressed together in a thin line. He’d had three months to fall in love with Jooheon, from the moment he moved in to about three days ago. That had to account for something. “That’s an exaggeration and you know it. Not everyone wants to be friends with benefits.”

Hoseok laughed. “Now you’re exaggerating,” he said, raising his beer and taking a generous swig.

“You started it.” Changkyun’s lips curled in a teasing smile. “But your name does have ‘hoe’ in it. You’ve gotta admit.”

Another elbow to the shoulder, a bit harder this time. They both broke off into a bout of laughter, until Hoseok’s expression softened. He leaned in a bit closer.

“But seriously,” Hoseok said. “Behind that weird exterior of yours, you’re one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. You love with your whole heart and there’s nothing wrong with that. Jooheon would be lucky to have you.”

Changkyun raised an eyebrow. “You’re not hitting on me, are you?”

“Absolutely not.” Hoseok pretended to gag. “I like tall men, remember?”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Changkyun swore under his breath. He needed another drink.

 Cold, winter air flooded the bar as the front doors opened. Hoseok perked up beside him.

“Speak of the devil,” he said. 

Jooheon and a few of his friends trudged inside, snowflakes blustering behind them. A plaid scarf was wrapped high around Jooheon’s neck. His rosy cheeks were pink with cold, snowflakes nestled in his hair and on his eyelashes. His puffy winter coat made him look plusher than usual, so warm and inviting. If looks could kill, Changkyun would be in the ground. Heat rose at the back of his neck. His heart skipped a beat, or maybe two. Or maybe he was just going into cardiac arrest.  

“I’ll be right back,” he said blankly, ready to make run for the restroom, but Hoseok gripped his arm tight.

“It’ll be alright, Changkyun,” Hoseok said, his voice oddly soothing. “Stay put. He probably won’t come over here.”

As soon as the words left Hoseok’s mouth, Jooheon spotted them and made a beeline towards their booth. Hoseok loosened his grip on his arm and Changkyun inhaled sharply through his teeth. 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit.” 

He hadn’t spoken to Jooheon since Gunhee show up unexpectedly at their doorstep. He had been AWOL all day, at the studio, or the library, and now at the bar. This was definitely the wrong time to tell him his ex-boyfriend had stopped by, but Changkyun knew giving him a heads up was the kinder thing to do before they returned to the apartment and Jooheon realized his stuff was missing.

Changkyun ordered another drink, straight whiskey.

Jooheon reached their booth. “Hey, Changkyun.”

“Hi, hey, hello,” he stumbled in reply, resisting the urge to slip underneath the table and hide, rotting gum and cockroaches be damned.

“Uh, you know Hoseok right?” Changkyun asked, motioning beside him.

Hoseok gave a small wave.

Jooheon nodded towards him, a smile splitting his lips, plump and wind bitten. A strand of bleached hair fell onto his forehead. Changkyun tried not to stare.

“Yeah, we had some first year classes together,” Jooheon said. He turned back to Changkyun. “How’s your knee, by the way?”

Changkyun blinked, his mind somewhere else. Namely, Jooheon’s lips. “Huh?” 

“Your knee.”

Changkyun cleared his throat and ripped his eyes away. “Oh, yeah. It’s, uh, fine,” he said, drumming a beat on his thigh. “Healing up all right.”

Hoseok shot Changkyun a curious look. Changkyun’s leg jiggled nervously beneath the table. He was still wearing the Band-Aid Jooheon gave him last night. 

“That’s good to hear,” Jooheon said, without a lick of sarcasm.

His genuineness almost made Changkyun annoyed. For once in his life, could he give Changkyun a reason to hate him? Just one?

“Well, I should catch up with my friends,” Jooheon continued. They were at the other end of the bar, Hyunwoo and Minhyuk, waving at him to come join them in their booth. “See you at home, Changkyun.” 

“Yeah, see you later,” Changkyun replied.

Jooheon offered him one last smile and walked away.

“Wow,” Hoseok said once Jooheon was out of an earshot.

Changkyun chewed at the inside of his lip. “What?”

Hoseok chuckled. “I can’t believe it,” he said. “You are absolutely clueless!” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Changkyun asked, shifting into defence mode.

“Don’t you see the way he looks at you?” Hoseok asked. There was something terrifyingly sincere about his voice.

Changkyun scoffed. Thankfully, his drink had arrived. He downed half of it. “No, Hoseok, I really don’t.” 

“He looks at you like a fifth grader looks at their first crush,” Hoseok said. “All soft smiles and blushing cheeks. All wink, wink, nudge, nudge.”

Changkyun shook his head. Either Hoseok was projecting, or he had completely lost his eyesight. “You’re making shit up to make me feel better.”

“Why the hell would I do that?”

“Like I said, to make me feel better.”

“Would I really lie to you about something like this?”

Changkyun shrugged and Hoseok reached over to grip Changkyun’s head in his hands, forcing him to look into Hoseok’s eyes. A full mouth of whiskey ballooned his cheeks. 

“‘How is your knee?’, ‘see you at home’,” Hoseok recited. “Changkyun, he _likes_ you.” 

Changkyun swallowed his drink down, nothing but skepticism written on his face. “You really think so?” he said, almost mockingly. “Look, Jooheon just got out of a long term relationship. The last thing he’s going to be thinking about is dating a loser like me.”

Hoseok, clearly frustrated, sighed. “Have you ever considered that maybe Jooheon broke up with his boyfriend because of you?”

There was pause. Anger, or maybe the alcohol, burned in Changkyun’s belly. He wiggled out of Hoseok’s grasp.

“No, absolutely not,” he said. His tone was firm, borderline angry. “That’s complete bullshit, Hoseok. You can’t—you don’t know what this feels like. Not everyone is as sure as you. Not everyone can just go after what they want. So stop spewing bullshit about things you don’t know anything about.”

Hoseok’s face fell. Regret replaced Changkyun’s anger. He was drunk and frustrated and lonely. Never a good combo.  

“If that’s how you feel,” Hoseok said, turning away to stare down the neck of his beer. “I’ll stay out of it. Do what’s best for you.”

“Hoseok,” Changkyun started, but he was promptly cut off.

“It’s fine, Changkyun,” Hoseok said, holding up a hand to silence him before he could apologize. “You’re right. I’m just worried about you. You seem so miserable these days.”

“Love will do that to you.” Changkyun’s shoulders slumped. He cradled his empty glass. Empty, empty, empty.

Hoseok sighed, and patted Changkyun on the back. “Yeah, but it shouldn’t.”  

“We can’t always get what we want,” Changkyun said and leaned into Hoseok’s touch. The warmth of his palm was a much needed comfort.

“Well,” Hoseok said. “Maybe you should just try it sometime. Take it and run. See what happens.”

Changkyun offered him a small smile. “Sure.”

“That’s the spirit.” Hoseok patted his back a second time and slid to the edge of the booth. “I’m going to get another beer. Want anything?”

Changkyun shook his head, the amount of empty glasses on the table reminded him of all the university authorized pamphlets warning against self-medication. Hoseok gave him a thumbs up and took off towards the bar.

Changkyun watched as he slid in next to Hyungwon with ease. His attention instantly shifted from President Poetry to Hoseok beside him. Hoseok leaned in close, his nose brushing against Hyungwon’s temple. They laughed together, Hyungwon’s smile brilliant and unabashed, and Changkyun knew Hyungwon had fallen for Hoseok in that instant. All the moment needed was some fireworks and confetti hearts falling from the ceiling. Changkyun laughed to himself, rose to his feet, and disappeared down the nearest hallway leading to the men’s bathroom.

The dim and damp broom closet of a bathroom was empty, thankfully. Changkyun ran the tap and splashed his whiskey reddened cheeks with cold water. The room spun ever so slightly. He leaned against the sink and forced down two deep breaths. Once he found his footing again, the bathroom door swung open. 

Jooheon. 

Who else?

Changkyun bit back laughter, drunk, hysterical laughter.

“We’ve gotta stop meeting like this,” he said instead, motioning to the dirty bathroom stalls, his words slurred together. “Bathrooms, not the greatest hang out spot.”

Jooheon chuckled, his hands tucked away in the pockets of his tight, black skinny jeans. Changkyun eyed the rips at the knees.

“Anymore Band-Aids to give me?” he joked.

God, the alcohol really hadn’t hit him until he’d stood up. He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. 

Jooheon shook his head and approached the urinal. He unbuttoned the front of his jeans and Changkyun’s jaw hung a little looser. “Not unless you have any more cuts you need patched up.”

“Nope. I’m right as rain,” he said.

Liar. 

Changkyun turned to face the sink. He ran the water again, splashed his face for a second time. Jooheon unzipped and Changkyun stared at the drain.

Do not look at his dick. Do not look at his dick.

Another splash of water. Then two. Changkyun ran a wet hand through his hair. Jooheon finished, flushed, then washed his hands in the sink beside him.

“Are you okay? Are you going to be sick?” he asked, peering over at Changkyun.

_How is your knee?_

Changkyun shook his head. “I’m fine, I’m fine.” Colour rushed to his cheeks. Not from the alcohol this time. “I’m just drunk. A lot drunker than I thought.”

Concern painted Jooheon’s face. “Do you need me to get you home?”

_See you at home._

It was like everything Hoseok had said was being played back to him in real time.

Jooheon crowded into his space, drying his hands with a bunched up wad of paper towel. Changkyun swallowed, water droplets running down his Adam’s apple. Jooheon tossed the paper towel into the garbage bin and took another step closer. It was so quick, just a glance, but Jooheon looked down at Changkyun’s lips, ran his tongue across his own.

_Have you ever considered that maybe Jooheon broke up with his boyfriend because of you?_

“Changkyun?”

Holy shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the super long delay! i initially thought i might not finish this fic, but then i felt a wave of encouragement and wanted to get through it
> 
> thanks to everyone still reading! love you guys. comments and kudos are really appreciated
> 
> sorry for the cliff hanger btw. have fun suffering lol
> 
> follow me on twitter @ jooheonpeach


	8. love will do stupid things to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for blue balling you last chapter
> 
> here's a speedy update!

Changkyun stood there, unsure if his realization about Jooheon was the result of logic or way too many rum and cokes. 

“Changkyun?”

Jooheon’s slightly damp, lemon soaped hand closed around Changkyun’s wrist, squeezing against his pulse point. Changkyun’s heartbeat sped, and sped even faster once he realized Jooheon could feel it beneath his fingers. Changkyun took a step closer to Jooheon, the need to kiss him so clear and bright in his head. It could be so simple.

But all Changkyun could think of was the stack of photographs he’d left at home on the kitchen table.

There were more photos of camping trips, sleeping bags sprawled out beneath the moonlight, stars glinting above like tiny lightning bugs. Lazy days on the beach. Slow and sleepy summer nights. Sticky wet kisses, Jooheon’s lips dyed red from a cherry popsicle. Intertwined hands. Feet in the sand. Gunhee, his skin deep golden and sun kissed, a smile splitting his face. He looked so different from the pale, dark haired Gunhee who stood at his doorstep hours before, shivering in the cold.

And Jooheon. In the photographs, his face was a bit plumper, cheeks round and dotted with acne. Bright-eyed and beautiful. That was Gunhee’s Jooheon. But the boy standing in front of him now—his thumb drawing circles again Changkyun’s wrist, the ends of his bleach fried hair bright in the fluorescents of the bathroom—this was Changkyun’s Jooheon. The Jooheon who nursed a half-empty bottle of soju on their tattered couch, crying quietly to himself at 3 AM. 

_Have you ever considered that maybe Jooheon broke up with his boyfriend because of you?_

Hoseok meant nothing by it, but tears stung the corners of Changkyun’s eyes anyways.

Changkyun pressed his fingers against Jooheon’s wrist and brought him a step closer. Jooheon searched his face, looking up at him through his eyelashes. Changkyun struggled to find the right words to say, releasing his grip around Jooheon’s wrist. Jooheon’s face fell for a second before Changkyun crowded into his space and pulled him into a hug. It was stiff at first, arms tight around his middle, but Jooheon quickly melted into the touch. His forehead dropped into the crook of Changkyun’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Changkyun said. He suppressed the tears, but his voice still caught in his throat. “I’m sorry about Gunhee.”

“You found out about that, huh?” Jooheon said, muffled by Changkyun’s t-shirt. There was a joking lilt to his voice, but Changkyun recognized that it was only an attempt to mask the hurt.

The fabric of Changkyun’s shirt dampened, an unintentional reminder that he couldn’t take advantage of Jooheon’s like this, not when he was hurting. Plus, Changkyun couldn’t think of a worse place to kiss Jooheon for the first time than the damp and dark bathroom of the worst bar on campus.

“Gunhee dropped by earlier to pick up some of his stuff,” Changkyun said. “Why didn’t you tell me what was going on? I could have—I don’t know.” 

Maybe if he had known, he could have been there for him that night on the couch with the bottle of soju. Maybe he could have picked up the pieces where they fell.

“I never told you Gunhee existed in the first place,” Jooheon said. He lifted his head and wiped his eyes with the flat of his palm. “Not sure why I’d tell you about the breakup.”

Changkyun frowned, but expected nothing more. “Why not?”

Jooheon pulled away and Changkyun let his arms drop awkwardly to his sides. He missed his warmth immediately.

“The relationship was on its way out ever since I left for school.” Jooheon backed out of Changkyun’s space and leaned against the stained tile wall, eyes glassy, rubbing anxiously at his elbow. “We wanted different things. You know how it goes.”

Changkyun shrugged. “Can’t say I do.”

“Really?” Jooheon managed a chuckle.

“You’re looking at the King of Unrequited Love,” Changkyun said, throwing his arms up in a ‘ta-da’ motion that transitioned to jazz hands. Jooheon snorted. Changkyun leaned against the wall next to him. “Not sure if that’s any consolation.”

“I have a hard time believing that,” Jooheon said, shaking his head, offering a small smile. It warmed Changkyun’s stomach and his cheeks more than alcohol ever could, but then Jooheon’s expression sobered. He fiddled with the zipper on his hoodie. “I wanted it to be over, but now that it’s over it hurts like hell. Why is that?” His voice broke

“Because you loved him,” Changkyun said. It was almost a whisper. “Love will do stupid things to you.”

Love will catch you jerking off in the shower, falling face first into the snow, or wavering on your feet shitfaced in the men’s bathroom, but love will also patch you up with Band-Aids, share a bottle of soju with you, brew extra coffee and leave it in the pot for you every morning. Changkyun wanted all of that with Jooheon and more. And more and more and more. He just needed, for once in his life, to be patient.  

“Love is a pain in the ass,” Jooheon said. He was smiling, but tears continued to collect in the corners of his eyes.

Changkyun reached out as one began to fall, quickly wiping it away from Jooheon’s cheek and retracting his hand like it was never there. “Yeah, it really is.” 

The door swung open and a frat bro type stumbled in, decked out in university merch and thumbing at his fly. Like Changkyun said, bathrooms are not the greatest hang out spot.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Changkyun asked.

Jooheon sniffled, composing himself. “Good idea.”

— 

Jooheon and Changkyun emerged from the _Brass Monkey_ after paying for their drinks and saying their goodbyes to friends. Changkyun couldn’t be anymore grateful for the cold air after suffocating for nearly two hours in the comparatively stifling and overcrowded bar. Jooheon was bundled up in his oversized winter coat, scarf hanging loosely around his neck. A fresh blanket of snow crunched beneath their sneakers. It glistened beneath the glow of the streetlamps and the fairy lights strung through Christmas tree displays in shop windows.

Changkyun still felt tipsy, but something else buzzed under his skin, something electric. He flexed his fingers inside his gloves, itching to hold Jooheon in his arms and feel the weight of him against his chest one more time.

They walked side by side, hands nearly grazing, not saying much. They passed an outdoor skating rink where couples clasped hands, relying on one another’s balance as they skittered across the ice. Jooheon grabbed Changkyun by the elbow and led him to a nearby park bench. They sat in the cold and watched the skaters. Some fell. Some danced. It was a delicate machine, each skater more or less part of the same spinning cog.

Changkyun stole glances at Jooheon, paying attention to the rhythm of his breathing as the fog of his breath clouded his face. Red blossomed brighter and brighter in the apples of his cheeks the longer they sat in the cold.

Eventually, Jooheon turned to him. “Did Gunhee say anything to you?” he asked.

Changkyun chewed on the inside of his lip. “Yeah,” he said. “He, uh, asked if we were close.”

“And are we close?”

“On this park bench, I’d say yes.”

Changkyun’s thigh was comfortably slotted against Jooheon’s, his warmth seeping through the fabric of his jeans. Jooheon rolled his eyes, but didn’t press further. He watched as a young girl spun on the rink, her ice skates stark white under all the lights. Changkyun slumped forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his curiosity piqued.

“Gunhee said you broke his heart. Did you?” Now that the mood had lightened, his tone was almost teasing.

Jooheon scoffed, but a smile twitched at the corners of his mouth. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re nosy?”

“You asked me a question. It’s only fair that I ask you one in return.” 

Jooheon rubbed at the back of his neck and sighed. “If you’re asking if I was the one to break it off, then yes. Why do you care so much?” 

It was a loaded question, but it was asked with such ease that Changkyun was left reeling.

“Roommates need to stick together, right?” he stammered. That was a stupid answer. “You’re the one who called me nosy. Why do you care if I care?”

And that was a stupid question.

“Fucking Christ, Changkyun.” Jooheon laughed and ran a hand through his hair. It stuck up in every direction.

“It’s a genuine question.”

“I’m just curious,” Jooheon answered. “It’s not every day that your ex breaks into your house and starts interrogating your roommate.”

“I let him in and it wasn’t an interrogation per say,” Changkyun said, picturing Gunhee in a suit and sunglasses, holding out an FBI badge. The image didn’t quite match. “He didn’t get much out of me anyways. I don’t divulge my secrets.” 

Changkyun inhaled through his teeth as Jooheon leaned closer, a hand resting on Changkyun’s knee, ever so slightly creeping up his thigh. 

“Yeah?” he said, his left eyebrow raised, lips pouty. “And what secrets are you keeping?”

Changkyun paused. Every intelligible thought in his head vanished, and all his brainpower went straight to his dick. He supressed the urge to bat Jooheon’s hand away. It would only draw attention. Maybe he should toss himself in the snowbank again. That was always a good distraction.

“Okay, no more questions,” he said instead.

“Guess you’re good at keeping secrets.” Jooheon raised his hands in surrender. “Truce?

“Alright, truce,” Changkyun said. He wiggled uncomfortably on the park bench. “Let’s go home before my butt cheeks freeze off and fall into the snow.”

Jooheon stood up and offered Changkyun his hand. Changkyun took it and hoisted himself onto his feet.

“Thanks for the visual by the way,” Jooheon said as they walked down the street.

“Anytime.”

—

Once they were inside the apartment, Jooheon opened the fridge and shuffled around the contents. “Do you want a beer?”

“I’m a responsible adult. Sure, why not?” Changkyun said. He tossed his coat aside and fell onto the couch, stretching out his limbs.

Jooheon, who was pilfering through a leftover box of Thai curry, grabbed one and tossed it his way. There was a basket filled to the brim with DVDs on the floor just left of the couch. Changkyun sipped at his beer, sat on the floor, and absentmindedly sorted through it. He picked through each film one by one. 

“Why do you have so many rom-coms?” Changkyun asked, flipping through a stack of DVDs with cursive text and dreamy male leads.

“What?” Jooheon said as he sat on the couch. He snatched them from Changkyun’s hands and threw them back into the basket. “They’re good.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” 

Changkyun took a swig of his beer and held up another DVD. On the cover, a ghoulish looking girl with long black hair and blood dripping down her chin smiled, showing jagged and yellow teeth. 

“We’re not watching that,” Jooheon said. Changkyun held it closer and closer to Jooheon’s face, making ghostly noises. “You’re really pushing your luck.”

Changkyun laughed. The alcohol rushed to his head.

In the end, they decided to throw on a blockbuster action movie that Changkyun had never seen, but Jooheon insisted was good. Changkyun popped the movie into the DVD player while Jooheon sprawled out on the couch, his feet just hanging off the edge. Changkyun eyed the space next to him, but chose the floor. His head rested backwards, just brushing against Jooheon’s thigh, but then Jooheon shifted. He poked Changkyun with his toe.

“What?”

“Get up here."

Changkyun plopped down beside him. Jooheon straightened slightly, but remained mostly curled up on the couch, sinking comfortably into the armrest. He rested his legs in Changkyun’s lap, his ass tucked right against Changkyun’s hip. Everything about Jooheon made Changkyun feel like he was fifteen again, jittery and nervous on a first date, unreasonably terrified that he could pop a boner any second. But at the same time, something about it was natural, like they had been doing it for years. 

Twenty minutes through the movie, Changkyun found himself paying less attention to the explosions and gunfights on screen and paying more attention to the warmth of Jooheon’s legs pressed against him, how his ass was only an inch away from being pressed up against his crotch. Changkyun’s head swam. He couldn’t even remember the title of the movie they chose.

Halfway through and two more beers under his belt, Changkyun’s eyelids were growing heavy. He slumped toward Jooheon without really thinking about it, his head resting against Jooheon’s arm.

“You awake still?” Jooheon asked. He was nursing his third beer.

“Yeah.”

A pause.

“Hey, I’m sorry, by the way,” Jooheon said, “about tonight.”

Changkyun sat up, yawing, stretching his arms over his head. “It’s okay,” he replied. “Don’t worry about it.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with my bullshit,” Jooheon said, “but, I don’t know, I feel like I can talk to you.”   

Jooheon reached over and ran a finger across Changkyun’s knuckles. Changkyun blinked at him, unsure of what to say. 

“Sorry.” Jooheon shook his head. “I’ve had too much to drink.”

He began to retract his hand, but Changkyun, against his better judgement, reached out and caught Jooheon’s fingers between his own.

“Jooheon—” he started, but he had already forgotten what he wanted to say.

Jooheon leaned forward, ever so slightly, his other hand brushing Changkyun’s arm. He glanced at his lips with the same look he had in the bathroom. The look that made Changkyun realize what all this really meant to him. 

But being faced with it now, Changkyun was terrified. Panic sat heavy in his chest. He thought back to Gunhee, to the photographs, to Jooheon crying at 3 AM. This couldn’t be what Jooheon really wanted.

“Let’s, uh,” the words caught in Changkyun’s throat. Before he knew what he was saying, they shook loose and tumbled out. “Let’s not do anything stupid.”

The hurt on Jooheon’s face was immediate. Changkyun pulled away.

“Right,” Jooheon said. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, you’re right.”

There was silence.

Changkyun and Jooheon finished the rest of the movie on opposite sides of the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not called a slow burn for nothing but we're getting there folks
> 
> i've decided to use twitter again. so follow me @ jooheonpeach
> 
> dm me your prompts and i might write a few little one-shots for you guys !


	9. when harry met sally

The next morning, Changkyun ran the water until it was hot and stepped into the shower, the ache of a hangover bleeding through his temples. He let his head fall forward against the grubby tiles as the water tickled over his back and smoothed down his hair.

Changkyun worked his hand between his legs, but slower than he usually liked it. He thought about Jooheon because that was all he ever seemed to think about. He thought about his chest and his thighs and his ass pressed against him on the couch, stolen glances at his lips. He could have kissed him in that moment. He should have kissed him, but he was too afraid to split open his ribcage and bare his heart. He missed his chance.

Jooheon, lips swollen, skin caught between his teeth, moaning his name.

Jooheon, thighs spread, sweat drenched.

Jooheon.

Changkyun’s breath stuttered as he came into his fist.

Guilt curdling in his stomach, Changkyun washed himself off. He was a fuckup, always falling back on bad habits, constantly pushing people away, never taking what he wanted even when it was in his hands. Changkyun ground his fist against the tiles and turned off the water.

In his room, he ran a towel through his hair and dressed, then strolled into the kitchen wearing an oversized t-shirt, socks, and baggy boxer shorts. Jooheon was sitting at the table, reading over his musical theory text book and eating a bowl of Corn Flakes. The mustachioed, rouged German composer on the book cover, powdered wig and all, stared at Changkyun with malcontent. Changkyun leaned over and opened up the fridge.

“I made extra coffee if you want it,” Jooheon said without looking up from his book.

Changkyun perked up at the sound of Jooheon’s voice. “Thanks.”  

He poured a generous amount into his obnoxious “I hate mugs with funny slogans on them” mug and sat down across from Jooheon. The coffee tasted too watery for his liking, but it was enough to soothe his headache. Neither of them said anything for several minutes.

“Exam coming up?” Changkyun asked finally, pointing to Jooheon’s textbook. 

Small talk. He was never good at small talk. Why did he lead with small talk? 

Jooheon lowered the book just below his eye line. “Later today,” he said flatly.

“Good luck with that.” Changkyun gulped down another mouthful of coffee, leg bouncing up and down underneath the table. “Are you going home for Christmas?”

Jooheon nodded. “Tomorrow afternoon. Hyunwoo is having a party at his place tonight,” he said, thumbing the next page of his book. He fiddled with it, gently bending the corner. “I wanted to stick around for that. I heard a couple of your friends are gonna be there.”

“Yeah, Kihyun mentioned it to me.” 

“Well, Hyunwoo says you’re welcome to come,” Jooheon said. 

To Changkyun’s ears, it sounded more like a formality than a genuine invitation. He downed the rest of his coffee, stood up, and placed his mug quietly in the sink. “I think I’ll stay in tonight,” he said. “I have studying to do.”

It was a blatant excuse and Jooheon probably knew it.

“Right.”

Changkyun noticed the pile of photographs discarded on the kitchen counter, threatening to spill into the sink. “Are you going to do anything with these?” he asked.

Jooheon’s face fell for a moment, then hardened.

“Do whatever you want with them,” he deadpanned. His chair squealed against the floor as he stood up. He brushed by Changkyun and dropped his empty bowl into the sink. “I don’t want them anymore.”

Jooheon retreated to his bedroom, leaving Changkyun to flip through the photographs. He realized he felt strangely attached to them. They represented an unattainable ideal that Changkyun had always wanted, but was never brave enough to chase.

But Jooheon didn’t want them anymore.

He opened the cabinet under the kitchen sink and pulled out the garbage can. He hesitated, the photographs heavy in his palm. Changkyun stared at Gunhee’s Jooheon one last time, eyes like crescents, dimples like craters. That boy didn’t exist anymore, not really. Changkyun gathered the photographs and threw them into the trash.

—

Several hours later, Changkyun laid out on his bed. Jooheon had gotten back from his exam an hour ago and was blasting trap music from the stereo in his room. It seeped through the walls. The melody was muffled, but the bass vibrated the entire apartment. Changkyun sighed. Some things never changed.

His phone buzzed next to him.

It was Kihyun. _Party tonight?_

Changkyun replied. _can’t. studying._

He added a long line of emojis for effect. Crying face. Crying face. Book. Book. Book.

His phone buzzed again a few seconds later. _Are you really going to be studying at 9 pm? That doesn’t sound like you._

Laughing and crying emoji. Laughing and crying emoji.

Changkyun huffed. Even through text, he could hear Kihyun’s obnoxious laugh ringing in his ears. Much to his chagrin, the group chat started going off. 

Hyungwon: _you have to come. don’t be a party pooper :/_

Kihyun: _Come on, it’s the last time we’ll see each other before Christmas!_

Hoseok: _is this about jooheon? i saw u two go off together last night. alone ???_

The group chat exploded then, with questions, advice, and exclamations. After the initial reaction died down, Changkyun texted back.

Changkyun: _we almost kissed last night and i fucked it up_

Bad idea. His phone began buzzing so continuously and violently that he thought it might explode. Changkyun resorted to putting it on silent mode, rather than plugging his ears like he was tempted to do.

Kihyun: _Hold tight. We’re coming over._

Changkyun began typing furiously. _that is absolutely not necessary. i’m fine really_

But there was no stopping them.

Hyungwon: _meet you guys there in 15 >:)_

Changkyun sat up in his bed, tossing his phone beside him with a little less care than he usually did. He swore under his breath and stood, heading for the door. The music in Jooheon’s room had stopped. Changkyun hoped that he had left for the party already, but as he stepped into the hallway he nearly ran straight into him. Because, of course. This was what the universe decided to dish to him over and over again. If he had a guardian angel, they were on track to be fired.

By instinct, Changkyun raised up a hand between them. It fell to rest on Jooheon’s chest for a fraction of a second. His sweater was soft beneath Changkyun’s fingertips, the warmth of his body pouring through. As soon as Changkyun realized, he returned his hand to his side. Jooheon was dressed nicer than usual, his usual streetwear turned in for something a bit more formal. A watch Changkyun rarely saw him wear was fastened on his wrist and his hair was styled off of his forehead. 

“Oh, shit, sorry,” Changkyun said and took a generous step back.

Changkyun turned on his heels and continued down the hallway, but Jooheon called after him.

“Hey, Changkyun.”

Changkyun stopped in place. He turned back to look at him, unsure if he wanted to hear what he had to say. “Yeah?”

Jooheon’s teeth worried his bottom lip. “If you decide to come to Hyunwoo’s,” he said, “let me know.”

Something behind Jooheon’s words was loaded. Whatever it was, it went unspoken. Like most things between them.

“Sure,” Changkyun said stiffly.

Jooheon passed by him in the hall. He grabbed his coat from the back of a chair and shrugged it over his shoulders. He tied his scarlet scarf around his neck.

“See you there maybe.”

“Maybe.” 

Jooheon left. Changkyun watched him go.

Fifteen minutes later, Changkyun was sitting at the kitchen table with Hoseok and Hyungwon across from him. Hoseok’s hand was discreetly rested on Hyungwon’s thigh. Except, it wasn’t especially discreet. Turns out, Changkyun wasn’t imagining things last night. Meanwhile, Kihyun stood at the stove, making a batch of hot chocolate from a stack of packets he found discarded in the cupboard. They were probably leftovers from many Christmases ago.

“Something to calm your nerves,” Kihyun said.

Everyone laughed but Changkyun.

“Jooheon wants me to go to the party,” Changkyun said instead, his shoulders slumped.

“So go,” Hoseok said. “What are you afraid of?”

A million things ran through Changkyun’s head. “What if I go and he’s already with someone else? What if I kiss him and he hates it? What if it doesn’t work out?” He raked a hand through his hair, tugging at his scalp. “Is this what he really wants? Me? Of all people?”

“Quit putting yourself down,” Hoseok said. “Jooheon fucking likes you. Maybe even more than that. Accept it.”

“Changkyun, you can’t be stuck in this weird limbo with him forever,” Hyungwon offered. “Either fuck him or tell him to go fuck himself. At least you’ll have peace of mind.”

Hoseok bit back a laugh. Changkyun sighed.

“I hate that you’re right,” Changkyun said.

Kihyun walked over to the table, a comically huge mug of hot chocolate in his hand. He set it down in front of Changkyun. Changkyun took a sip. Liquid courage it was not.

“We’ll be there if you need emotional support or if you want us to beat him up,” Kihyun said, shrugging. “Either one if fine by me.”

Changkyun managed a smile, but moments later he was in his own head again.

“What should I do when I see him?” he asked. “How do I not fuck this up? Do I need some kind of grand gesture? Do I _Love Actually_ it. _Notting Hill_? The fucking _Notebook_?”

Hoseok reached over and squeezed Changkyun’s shoulder. “I’m thinking more like _When Harry Met Sally_ ,” he said finally. “Just tell him how you feel.”

—

The party was in full swing by the time they arrived at Hyunwoo’s place.

The music, bass boosted and ear splitting, rattled the furniture. They were offered beer at the door by Minhyuk, one of Jooheon’s friends, who was dancing and smiling ear-to-ear as he passed an armful of condensation drenched bottles around; light beer that probably tasted like piss water, but it was free so no one complained. Hoseok gladly took a couple to share with Hyungwon, but Changkyun declined. Alcohol clouding his judgement was the last thing he needed. His own brain did a good enough job fucking things up on its own.

Exhibit A: last night.

Exhibit B: basically everything else since last Thursday. 

Changkyun pushed past the crowd of drunk and overly festive college students until he found an unoccupied bit of space in the corner of the room. He fiddled nervously with the hem of the Christmas sweater Kihyun insisted he wear, navy blue and knit with snowflakes drifting down the front. It fit him well, but the material felt scratchy against the back of his dampened neck. He was sweating his nerves from his body. Pseudoscientific infomercials would call that detoxing. Changkyun wasn’t convinced.

After several minutes of hovering, Changkyun peered past a group of people and saw him. Jooheon. The Christmas lights strung on the fireplace mantel above his head illuminated his bleached hair like a halo. He was talking to Hyunwoo, laughing at something, cheeks dimpled, eyes bright. Changkyun swallowed. Jooheon turned his head and their eyes met, then he promptly looked away.

Disheartened, Changkyun hovered around the party for an hour or so more, wallflowering. Minhyuk approached him in the kitchen and offered him a beer again. Changkyun declined, again, but Minhyuk took it as an opportunity to talk his ear off about marine biology. Changkyun pretended to listen as he scanned the crowd for Jooheon once more. He saw Hyunwoo and Kihyun chatting, crowding into each other’s space, but no Jooheon. Changkyun frowned.

Maybe it was a mistake to come here. Maybe he was right about the invitation being empty. He had ruined things between them, hadn’t he?

Changkyun excused himself in the middle of Minhyuk’s speech about the pollution of the coral reefs and walked over to Kihyun, apologizing to Hyunwoo as he grabbed Kihyun’s elbow and pulled him off to the side.

“I think I’m gonna go,” Changkyun said, yelling over the bass of the music.

“What?” Kihyun said, and Changkyun wasn’t sure whether he couldn’t hear him or if he was reacting to his decision. “Did you talk to Jooheon?”

Changkyun shook his head. “It’s not worth it,” he said. “I fucked up too bad.”

Kihyun’s face fell. Changkyun let go of his elbow, smiled sadly, and walked away. He retreated to the bedroom off of the kitchen where thirty some odd coats were stacked up high on the bed. While he rummaged around for his jacket, he saw movement through the blinds of the window to the left. Someone was sitting on the back porch, nursing a beer, red woollen scarf wrapped around their neck.

Jooheon.

Changkyun chewed on the fleshy inside of his cheek. He found his coat finally and put it on. Just as he was about to leave, he remembered something. The couch, the soju, the shitty action movie, the pile of tear stained tissues. Changkyun’s heart dropped to his stomach. He was such an asshole.

Changkyun wandered back into the kitchen, ducking passed Minhyuk before he could get started on the migratory patterns of whales for the fifteenth time, and slipped through the back door. He stepped onto the porch.

Jooheon looked back as the door shut closed, his cheeks pink with cold. Changkyun wondered how long he’d been sitting out here.

“Hey,” Changkyun said quietly.

Jooheon shifted over on the porch step, beckoning Changkyun to sit beside him. “Hey.”

Changkyun took up his offer. Their knees brushed ever so slightly as he sat down. “What are you doing out here?” he asked.

The sky was dark and heavy with snow clouds. There were no stars, but a string of fairy lights woven around the railing of the porch lit the night, glowing a delicate yellow like the pistil of a daisy. The light softened the planes of Jooheon’s face.

“Keeping my beer cold,” Jooheon said. His fingers played with the frayed edge of the label. He took a sip.

“Well, winter is nature’s refrigerator,” Changkyun said and Jooheon laughed. A warm buzz traveled all over his skin at the sound. “Are parties not your thing?”

Jooheon nodded. “I just needed some space to think.” A pause. “I, uh, thanks for throwing out those photographs.”

Changkyun blinked at him. It wasn’t something he expected Jooheon to say. “You’re welcome, I guess. I mean, the garbage can was right there.” 

“Yeah, I know, but sometimes it’s difficult to let go of things even when you need to,” Jooheon said, staring down at his boots. “So, thanks for that.”

Silence fell between them. Changkyun adjusted his coat on his shoulders, fiddled with a loose thread on the hem of his sweater, rubbed at his neck, anything to distract him from Jooheon beside him, so warm and inviting. He willed himself not to stare, begged his body not to move in any closer than necessary.

“Y’know, it’s funny,” Jooheon said after a moment, shaking his head. “I honestly can’t figure you out, Changkyun.”

Changkyun wanted to laugh, out of nervousness more than anything, but bit his tongue. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I don’t know yet.” Jooheon gave him a small smile. “Sometimes I don’t know if we’re strangers, or roommates, or friends, or—” Jooheon laughed through his nose and looked down to the bottom of his beer, sloshing the contents around with fiddling fingers. “What do you want?”

“What do I want?” Changkyun asked, eyebrows furrowing. The question was foreign. His heart twirled in his chest. First a toe loop, then a triple lutz. He might as well be Tonya Harding. 

Jooheon leaned forward, elbows on his knees, looking over at him with the kind of expression that completely softened the sharp lines of his eyes. “Changkyun—”

“Can you tell me something?” Changkyun said, stopping him short. He chewed on his words for a moment, picking the right ones from the faulty Speak & Spell that posed as his brain. “Why did you break up with Gunhee?” 

Jooheon’s face fell. “We grew apart—”

“No bullshit,” Changkyun said. He met his gaze and held it, pleading.

“No bullshit,” Jooheon repeated. He sounded resigned. Jooheon cleared his throat and shifted awkwardly where he was sitting on the step. “Y’know, Gunhee and I were together since our sophomore year of high school. A long ass time for a couple of kids. Growing up, we always talked about where we’d go and what we’d do together. Stupid shit like buying a car and road tripping for a whole summer. At the time, I never imagined doing any of those things with anyone else.” Jooheon ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Gunhee was such a big part of who I was back then, but one day I woke up and realized that when I dreamt about doing those same things, the person by my side had lost its shape. It had morphed into something else.” 

Changkyun frowned, and bowed his head. Jooheon peered over at him, his eyes somehow just as soft as before. His expression drew Changkyun’s eyes upwards.

“Maybe that earlier version of me was meant for Gunhee,” Jooheon says, “but that version of me is gone. He’s been gone since—” He paused, seemingly rethinking the end of his sentence. “He’s been gone for a while.”

Changkyun said nothing, repeating everything Jooheon had said back in his head like a detective with his tape recorder. Fragments of words stood out. Jooheon. Gunhee. Who. I. Was. Shape. Morphed. Gone. Even in the cold, sweat rose on the back of Changkyun’s neck. His mind was racing. Jooheon said that the person beside him morphed into something else. Morphed into something? Or someone? A flush bloomed across Changkyun’s face.

“Do you really want to know what I want?” Changkyun asked before he even thought about what he was saying. For the first time in a long time, the words fell loose from his tongue with certainty. “Truthfully?”

“Truthfully,” Jooheon said. He smirked and tipped the neck of his beer bottle towards him. “Promise no bullshit?”

Jooheon’s smile made Changkyun feel warm all over. He returned his smile, even though he felt like hiding. “No bullshit,” he said, steadying the shake in his voice. “I promise.”

Jooheon gestured forwardly. “Go ahead then.”

Changkyun took a deep breath. His exhale was a fuming cloud of white. Once it dissipated, he spoke. “I wanted to kiss you last night,” Changkyun said. The words poured out in quick succession as if he couldn’t rid himself of their weight fast enough. “I know I fucked up. I know I said no, but I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to kiss you more than I’ve wanted most things in my life. Probably. I mean—fuck—do you have any idea how you make me feel?”

Changkyun looked back at him, and it was nothing like he expected. His knowledge base was built up by romantic comedies and Shakespearian dramas, and those were all wrong. Not an ounce of shock marked Jooheon’s face. No tears glassed eyes, but there was no anger or laughter geared towards Changkyun either. Instead, Jooheon was smiling, a knowing smile, his eyes folded into those signature half-moons that somehow shone without any help from the sun. 

Changkyun met his eyes, his lip caught between his teeth. A million things passed through his mind, but no thought stayed around long enough for him to catch hold of it. He was blank, jaw slack, surprised more by his own confession than Jooheon seemed to be.

Jooheon sobered after a moment and leaned forward into Changkyun’s space like he had in the bathroom at the bar. His hand rested on Changkyun’s knee, his fingers splayed out and all encompassing. Changkyun wanted to melt into him.

“Changkyun—” Jooheon began, but Changkyun cut him off one more time. 

“Don’t say anything,” Changkyun said and he rested his hand over top of Jooheon’s, intertwining their fingers together. “Don’t let me overthink it.”

Changkyun closed the gap between them. Their lips slotted together so easily it was like they were always meant to fit. Two puzzle pieces, misshapen and discoloured and maybe a different pattern altogether, but somehow made for each other. Jooheon tasted malty, but sweet, his bottom lip caught in between Changkyun’s. The glide of his chapstick was waxy and smooth and soft. Jooheon cupped Changkyun’s cheek with his free hand and pressed into him, parting his lips and deepening the kiss. Their teeth accidentally bumped, but it was the last thing on Changkyun’s mind. All he could think was Jooheon. Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon. With a couple of holy shits thrown into the mix.

Their fingers remained interlaced in Changkyun’s lap as Jooheon pulled away and knocked their foreheads together. Their noses brushed, cold from the winter air. It was snowing. Changkyun noticed snowflakes gathering in Jooheon’s hair and dusting his lashes. A flush bloomed all over Changkyun’s cheeks. His ears were cherry red, his smile the widest it had been in a long time.

“Do you want to, like, go on a date?” Changkyun asked. He had barely caught his breath enough to speak, but the words came tumbling out before he could stop them or even think of anything better to say. It wasn’t the most romantic thing he could come up with, but he wanted this. He wanted it as soon as possible. He wanted Jooheon. 

Jooheon laughed. His breath was warm and comforting against Changkyun’s blushing face. “Sure, I want to, like, go out on a date.”

Changkyun gave Jooheon’s hand a squeeze. “Cool,” he said, still smiling.

Jooheon ran his thumb across Changkyun’s knuckles and returned his smile. “Cool.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this was somewhat satisfying :-)
> 
> feel free to follow me on twitter @ jooheonpeach. i made a moodboard for this fic that you might like
> 
> thank you for reading!


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